Thursday, May 22, 2008

An answer, at last!

Ever suffer from this common problem?

You believe that you should be a virgin until your wedding night, but you're not there yet and you're horny as hell.

There used to be no solution other than countless cold showers.

But, that's clearly just because you haven't read the Bible well enough!

The solution is easy enough: according to God's will, if you want to preserve your virginity, you need to have anal sex instead! That's right! You'll still be a virgin as long as you take it up the butt! (There's even scriptural evidence to back it up... phew!)

Still not enough for you? You're in luck! There is also information about how the will of God proscribes other methods for preserving your chastity before marriage. You can have oral sex (But beware! The woman MUST swallow, or it's a sin against the Lord!), you can masturbate (it's God's gift to us!), you can look at porn (but ONLY Christ-centered porn, of course!), or you can fist (but only in the anus before marriage).

Plenty of ways to have sex while remaining a virgin!

At least for the women. I don't really understand how sticking your dick up a girl's butt makes you more of a virgin than sticking it up her vagina. But, that's not what matters, I suppose. As long as the woman remains chaste! That's her only gift to her new husband, you know.

And what about after marriage? What if you need some extra fulfillment, some excitement? Don't worry, God didn't forget about you! He allows all kinds of fun ways to spice up your sex life, according to the Bible!

Try a threesome (but in order to avoid homosexuality, it must ALWAYS be 2 women and 1 man, of course), bondage (but it must be the husband dominating the wife, or there may be confusion about who is the true head of the house outside of the bedroom), Viagra (because a strong erection is a gift from God), or of course, fisting, masturbation, or porn.

I can't forget to note, though, that the woman MUST shave herself bare, "down there," because to remain hairy is an affront to God.

Any questions? Don't worry, they've provide a FAQ section, as well. Or, send in your own questions!

Excuse me now while I go throw up a bit.

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